Far Away
by Thunder-Nari
Summary: SimonZoe. But with a healthy does of SimonWash. And a brief bit of SimonKaylee. Zoe and Simon deal with the aftermath of Serenity together. Angst. And character death. And mentions of slash.


Well check me out. Writing het, who woulda thunk it.

This takes place after my Simon/Wash: Not so Far. So read that one first or this will be confusing. It's Simon/Zoe taking place after Serenity. There are huge helpings of Simon/Wash and angst though. It's more or less a hurt/comfort story. This one, I love. And I rarely manage to say that about what I write.

**Far Away  
ThunderNari**

_Close my eyes  
Let the whole thing pass me by  
There is no time  
To waste asking why  
Echo by Trapt_

_Wash's arms are tight around him and he's whispering some stupid thing into Simon's ear. It can't help but bring a smile to his face, can't help but make him laugh. He turns his head from the stars in front of him to catch the spark in Wash's eyes instead._

He wakes in his bed, smile still on his face. He's not alone like he always expects to be after a dream like that. Dreams of a loved one that isn't there anymore. He keeps expecting to wake up and find himself as alone as it feels Wash left him. But Kaylee is next to him, sleeping as peaceful as always.

They don't stay close in sleep, they drift apart. As far as they can on the narrow bunks. They don't hold each other or cuddle.

_Wash's arms are tight around him. There's no escape as if he would ever want to. Breath tickles at the back of his neck, deep in Wash's sleep..._

Kaylee isn't as asleep as he'd thought. Her eyes open and she looks across at him, catches him watching her and thinking about someone else entirely. She smiles at him, not entirely awake, but his own smile has already faded. He can't bring it back and she knows him well enough now to know that something is wrong.

She shifts closer and he draws her near on instinct, holds her close as she rests her head against his chest.

"You dreamin' again?" Her voice is whisper soft and her breath hits his skin.

"We always dream."

She ignores his attempted dismissal. He doesn't want to talk about it. She feels the need to talk about most things. "'Bout Wash again?"

She knew. The whole ship knew. But if Zoe didn't mind then why should they? It was casual. Wash loved Zoe and Simon...Simon...

"Did you love him?"

Simon loved Wash.

* * *

Simon _loves_ Wash.

He keeps ending up back where it all started. On the bridge and Wash's dinosaurs still surround him. He plucks one up and tries to play but it's impossible to get into it without Wash's warm voice teasing him. He sits back in the pilot's chair and tries to relax but it's no good without Wash's strong arms circling him. For someone that was never completely his, Wash shouldn't have been able to leave such a large hole in his life.

But the months that have gone by feel like years and he forgets sometimes that Wash was never _really_ his. It's a harsh reminder now whenever he sees Zoe and a sadness greater than his own.

She clears her throat respectfully before she even sets foot on the bridge. As though he has more right to be here than her. He's on his feet instantly, turning to her and feeling some absurd guilt for being here in the first place. It's for her to mourn, not him. But there's understanding in her eyes that he doesn't see anywhere else.

"Zoe, I'm sorry, I didn't mean t-"

She shakes her head and it quiets him instantly. She's smiling and it's clearly meant to make fun of him. He takes it gracelessly and glances down, flustered. This is the first time they've been in a room alone together since it happened. Not out of avoidance, things have been busy. The Alliance is hunting them and the word is changing. Yet it feels like his world has hit a standstill.

Zoe is motioning for him to stay, to sit. Her eyes say that he belongs here as much as she does. He's not so sure but he sits and she steps forward to settle in the co-pilot's chair across from him.

The silence envelopes them and they stare out into the black.

"He loved you." Zoe isn't looking at him. His heart skips a beat but he shakes his head in denial.

"He loved you. I was..." He trails off. He doesn't know what he was to Wash. A fling. He knows that was never true. It would make it easier now though.

_Wash kisses him firm and runs fingers along his cheek. _

"I love you."

"But Zoe-"

"There's room for you both. Now quit acting like a coward and pick up the dinosaur. It's battle to the death and I'm kicking your ass."

"Even if he did once... He didn't at the end." And that's what counts. Wash didn't at the end and it's Simon's fault.

"You think that one little slight was gonna make that man let go of anyone then you don't know him as well as I thought." Zoe is still smiling at him, encouraging. Shouldn't he be the one comforting her if anything?

"He walked off the bridge."

"Couples fight."

"Zoe..." He doesn't know what he's going to say and he wishes that words wouldn't always fail him.

She doesn't seem to mind. She gets to her feet and steps over to him, he closes his eyes as she presses a kiss to his forehead.

"Weren't your fault. We do what we have to."

She walks off the bridge and leaves him with far too much to think about.

* * *

It's something that he never realized that he missed so much from Wash not being there. But he goes to the bridge again the next day and finds Zoe there. He thinks to turn and leave, give her privacy like he has every other time in this situation. This time he doesn't. He steps up and settles into the co-pilot's chair.

It isn't the same. There's no soft breath at his ear or arms around him. There's no laughter. But it's relaxed and it's comforting and neither of them question it.

They repeat it. Every day at the same time and they're both there, switching places between pilot's and co-pilot's chairs depending on who gets there first.

Simon is sitting in the pilot's chair the day he reaches for one of the dinosaurs. He tosses it over to Zoe.

"Did you want to play?"

* * *

He knows he's not being everything that he should be. He knows he's being distant and distracted. That she's the last thing on his mind when she should be the first. He knows the moment will come when she's had enough.

"Should have known I'd find you up here."

He spins in the chair, Wash's dinosaur cradled to his chest. He knows he looks caught out, guilty. He's never treated Kaylee right and she's always come second to Wash. Doesn't matter how he tries to change it.

"What?"

"I woke up and you weren't there."

"I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep." He gets up, making to step across to her but she only steps back. He pulls up, unsure but knowing in the back of his mind that that moment has come. "Kaylee?"

"You're thinking about him again." It's not a question so he doesn't answer. She wouldn't like to hear it out loud anyway and words from his mouth have a tendency to make these situations worse. "Do you ever stop? It's been six months and I can't keep waitin' on you."

"It isn't easy."

"Ain't easy to love me?"

"That's not what I-"

"More'n six months and you ain't once looked at me like you do the memory of him."

He can't deny it and his eyes flick away from hers. Which is all she needs to answer everything. If he were to look back at her, he's sure he'd see her crying now. He doesn't want to know how many times he's caused that.

"Wash is dead, Simon."

He flinches and she walks off the bridge.

* * *

"I messed up with Wash." The words practically chase themselves to get out of his mouth and he wonders if Zoe understood him at all.

Whether she did or not she's still stepping back down the ladder into her bunk, clear invitation that he should follow her. He does, pulling the hatch closed behind him and turning back to her. She's looking expectantly at him and the words spill out, unable to keep them from doing so any longer and there's no one else who's going to understand them like she will.

"I messed up. I never... I could never tell him. Every time he would say it to me but I could never return it. I don't know why, I just- He was yours. And... Everything was happening at once, I never got the chance to talk to him. I didn't tell him I was sorry. Never got to- I hurt him and... I never told him I loved him."

Zoe is as calm as she always seems, waiting for him to run out and when he does her voice is soft. "I think he knew."

He closes his eyes at the words he wanted to hear and he knows that Zoe wouldn't just say them. "He's dead." And it's past time they both admitted it.

"I know." There's a waver in Zoe's voice he's never heard before. It spurs him forward to her. Wraps her in his arms and she doesn't resist, her weight leans against him and they both just take. Her shoulders don't shake and her breath stays even but his neck is damp where her face is buried and the tears fall.

When she says stay the night he feels nothing more than relief.

* * *

He wakes with his arms wrapped around solid warmth. He can't even for a second get lost in the fantasy that it could be Wash. Which could be a blessing when it means that he won't have to be faced with the reality that it's Zoe in a few minutes. He already knows. Because Wash is dead and maybe he finally accepts that.

Zoe doesn't stir and he doesn't want to disturb her. If he's been having this bad of a time then he imagines that she's not slept at all. She needs it and if he can help with that just by being there then he will.

He hadn't looked around the room the night before and now he does it...doesn't surprise him as much as it probably should. Wash still lives here. His things still permeate the room and how can Zoe live like this?

But things seem to be moving forward finally for both of them and he helps Zoe sort through and box the stuff the following week. Everything except for a few pictures, a few dinosaurs that reside down here as well... Everything else is packed up.

Simon comes across them while Zoe is taking one of the boxes to an empty room. There are poems. Letters. Wash is a sap at heart. Was. He can't resist reading them while Zoe is out of view and most of them have him laughing.

"Didn't think I'd ever be hearing that sound down here again."

Simon's gaze snaps up to Zoe, flicking back down to the letters in his hand before he's trying to stumble his way through an explanation. "I was just... I found these and..."

Zoe shakes her head, a smile playing over her lips. She steps across the room to sit next to him, takes the papers out of unresisting hands.

"He had too much time on his hands sometimes. Wrote these while he was waiting on the bridge."

"He was..." Simon pauses to struggle for the words that will somehow describe Wash's...talents.

"Sort of pathetic?"

"In an endearing way."

They share a laugh and it feels good to be able to talk about Wash like this. To share the memories and the feelings. To actually feel close to someone again.

* * *

Afterwards, they make a habit of it. It's generally in a meeting on the bridge where instead of offering silent support to each other, they talk. Sometimes it's Zoe's bunk where they end up asleep on the twin bed and always wake up curled together. After a time, the talks turn to more than just Wash. To a job or the others on the ship or each other.

Simon learns how to make Zoe laugh and mean it. He learns how to speak candidly to her and that she won't shoot him down for it. He tells her some of the...more embarrassing indiscretions he went through at MedAcad. Her response is one that he supposes he should have expected.

"Oh, doctor, I have got to see you drunk."

He's instantly blushing and stammering which only serves to make her more sure in this. "I doubt the captain would want..." He's fishing for an excuse but it's half hearted. The attempt made only because he feels that he has to.

"We're on shore leave for a week. Likely the captain might wanna see this himself."

He looks horrified. "Uh... No. That's... Just the two of us, I think."

They both know that he just gave in too easily for someone who was usually so adamant about keeping up the 'proper' appearance. It was too easy to relax with Zoe and the next thing he knows, they're sitting in some run down bar and getting drunk off of some cheap sake.

_Simon_ is getting drunk anyway, with his seemingly bottomless glass. Zoe is sitting back with her arms crossed – except for when she's _filling_ his bottomless glass, he's not an idiot – and watching him with a smirk. For being two fairly tight lipped people, they're table manages to be rather noisy with the stories they share.

They only leave when they're forced out for closing and Simon gives Zoe a kiss on the cheek as they stand outside her bunk, a thank you for the drink and a good night, before he's heading for his own bunk. He gets two steps before Zoe's hand on his arm is dragging him back and they spend another night curled on top of the covers together.

* * *

It's a conversation that he doesn't want to be having while he's feeling decidedly hungover. But Mal has him cornered in the infirmary where he was pretending to work. The waves that come off the captain are all menacing and at least some things don't change. Simon just doesn't have the energy to be intimidated or to put on some show and waits wearily for Mal to get to the point of his being here.

"What the hell do you think you're doin' with Zoe?"

Simon's blink of surprise at Mal is a little slow. "...I'm sorry?"

"Seen you comin' out of Zoe's bunk on more'n one occasion. You best be careful with her, doc."

It takes Simon a confused moment before it's all clicking. "Oh! You think... It's not what it looks like. I mean... Zoe and I? No." He shakes his head to emphasize the point that that could never happen. Zoe is way out of his league for one.

Mal hardly seems to care about what he's saying though. "I ain't lookin' to get involved. Whatever you two wanna do... You just be careful with her, dong ma?"

Simon can only nod when the captain looks to be about to start threatening. "Dahng rahn."

When Mal leaves Simon feels more than a little like his world just got tipped upside down.

* * *

It's the seed of an idea that he just can't get out of his mind. It settles there and takes root.

He'd never thought of it before. Zoe is _way_ out of his league. They _both_ love Wash still. There are too many memories and too much that they'd still have to get through. It's just...complicated.

But the idea of it won't leave no matter how impractical - _impossible_ - it is. And the next time he looks at Zoe it's with different eyes. He sees how gorgeous she is. He hears her laugh and realizes that it can turn his entire day around. On the days he wakes with her in his arms they seem to fit together as perfectly as he and Wash ever did.

It's been a year since Wash died. Simon can look back on it now and realize that it's not necessarily as tragic as he thought before. He still misses him. Every day. But Wash died saving them, doing what he did best, being the hero he didn't think he was. Thinking back on it now, Simon can smile.

Zoe insists that they go back to Haven and Mal won't argue with her. They land two weeks after the date but it doesn't matter. Zoe has already been out at the memorials for an hour when Simon finally comes off of the ship. He doesn't say anything, just steps up beside her and clasps her hand with his. She threads their fingers and leans into his side.

He's not sure how long they stand like that for, silent and unmoving. Together. This should be awkward, standing in front of the grave of the man he loved – loves – with the woman he thinks he's falling for. Instead it feels like everything has come around to a new beginning. It feels right.

When he looks to Zoe he finds her smiling. A cold breeze kicks the dirt up around their feet and both of them give a shiver.

"We should get going."

Zoe looks at him, for just a moment. And for just a moment, Simon thinks he's looking at Wash. That look in her eyes... He sees it every time he sees Wash. He never knew to look for it in her before.

"Guess we'd better."

So it's complicated. And there's a lot still to get through. It just means they'd better start. He squeezes his hand over hers before turning to walk back to the ship.

A cold breeze follows their steps, whips up Simon's jacket around his ankles. Sends a tingle racing through him. Zoe's hand tightens over his and they both smile.


End file.
